shawn

my friend shawn has been gone for about 10 years now. we had a weird relationship, but he was one of my oldest friends, and i loved him very much. not the "let get together" type of love, but the "i will always be there for you" type. i met him when we both went to the same daycare in 3rd grade. i hated him at first. he had a crush on me and always was trying to kiss me. of course i had a crush on an older boy, but he was in 6th grade and never even noticed me. anyway, shawn didn't go there very long. i didn't see him for a few years. i think it was 5th or 6th grade when he came to our school (good ol' wright city elementary). he was still a sneaky little guy. he was always trying to be a bad ass. he was my boyfriend 2 times i think, but honestly i never really saw him that way. he was cute, but not someone i could see that way. he knew my aunt and uncle. my uncle knew his mom. she was a laborer...tough job for a woman. she was a tough lady, my uncle, mr "i can kick any one's butt", said she scared HIM. shawn didn't know his dad then. he met him later, or at least he said he did. after 7th grade, my parents split up, and i moved to st. peters. it was really really tough. but there was shawn, he had moved to st. peters too. we didn't go to the same school then, but it was nice to have someone close. we would talk for hours on the phone. i don't know if i would have gotten thru it all without him. he helped organize a surprise 14th birthday party for me. he moved around a lot. he ended up in juvenile detention at least once. he got into drugs pretty heavily. he stole, he stole from me. he broke into my house and stole a bunch of stuff. nothing huge, but he still stole from me. it took me a while to get over that. he eventually went to school at zumwalt. he didn't stay there long. he was always moving, hardly ever in the same place for a year. we didn't have the "talk everyday" type of friendship. he dropped in and out of my life a lot. he would just show up one day, or call one day. it was usually after i had been thinking about him, worrying about him. he always said he didn't think he would live to see 21. he lived a pretty hard life. i don't think he ever thought he was really loved. i don't think he ever thought he was good enough, saw his own potential. it broke my heart. he was really a good guy. i got the call when jeff and i were staying at his parents' house. my mom had seen it on the news. he had been hit on the 40/70 exchange in wentzville. i couldn't believe he wasn't going to be popping in my life anymore. he hadn't even met jeff, never saw alex. i still have a hard time believing he is really gone. some days i could swear he is there, just popping in. i still have dreams about him. he just pops in there too. he was like family to me. i don't think i ever let him know how important he was to me. i hated it when he would say things like "i'll never live to be 21". but somehow he knew it. it still hurts that i wasn't able to see him turn his life around.
god, i miss him.