how i named my blog

i saw someone else's post about how they named their blog, then a friend of mine renamed her blog (with the help of some bloggy friends) and it came to me...a post about how i came up with the name. the story may be long, and cover many years of my life, but i think it will be somewhat interesting. you may learn things you didn't know about me, and things you may have wished i kept a secret, but my history is part of me. it doesn't define me, but it shaped who i am and what i hold dear.

when i decided to start this blog, i tried to think of something witty to call it. being that i am not humorously inclined, i failed. we had just had a 10 year high school reunion, and i thought "hmmm, what did most people think when they saw me?". to understand where i am coming from, you must know how i was.
when i was 13, my parents went through a nasty divorce. my mom actually left my dad 3 weeks before my birthday. it was a pretty tough time for me. it left me a little unsure of myself. ok, who am i kidding, i was way unsure of myself. i was shy to begin with, but changing schools made it worse. i had a mom that thought school should teach her children to put condoms on bananas and that high school was for "experimenting". it didn't matter if that was drugs, or alcohol, or sex. i was always a good student. that never changed. even after i started smoking pot my sophmore year, or when i started doing some stronger drugs my junior year. i never tried meth, or coke or heroin. i did try pot, lsd, hash, well, and some pot laced with stronger stuff. i used them pretty regularly on weekends, and my junior year, when a friend had a car accident and died, i started using them more often. in fact, i smoked pot everyday from march through may. i couldn't handle not being stoned. it is pretty sad to think about how i felt so out of control. the summer between junior and senior year i met my hubby. we both had moderate drug issues. i decided, a month into senior year, i was going to get clean. no more drugs for me. well, i wasn't perfect, but i was doing better. it amazed me how blue the sky was and how green the grass was. i felt like a hazy mist had lifted from my eyes. i was totally clean by december.
now let me back up a little. when i met the hubby, we became "physical" within the first couple of weeks. i don't know how serious we were about our relationship. well, i know i wasn't all that serious. i was planning on going away to college. i didn't want some majorly serious relationship messing that up. he was a really nice guy, but he wasn't going anywhere. he was 19, he didn't go to college, and was working at a convenience store. so i was pretty guarded with my emotions. flash forward to december. in december, i missed my period. no big deal, i had friends who missed theirs pretty often. just because i was like clockwork all the time, didn't mean anything to me. then january came, and still no period. i decided to take a pregnancy test, just to show myself i wasn't pregnant. well, no such luck. i was. i was 17 years old, a senior in high school, and pregnant by a guy i had known for roughly 6 months. yeah, every parents' dream for their child. i had to tell my parents, my teachers, the school nurse, school administration, my friends, my boyfriend, his family, his friends...yeah, it still hurts to think about.
now, i still had several months left of school. i had decisions to make about the fate of my baby and myself. abortion was never a factor. i never believed in it, and getting pregnant at 17 didn't change that. adoption was a possibility, but i wasn't ready to look at that. i felt lost. not to mention the kids at school who said things like "you should give it up or have an abortion because you'd make a crappy mom". really positive and uplifting things like that. not all the kids, just a select few. a select few that i had been close to up until that moment...and then distanced myself from pretty quickly. i also had some shining angels that made it ok. my friends joe, molly, jeremy, and nike made me feel like i was the same person. they didn't treat me any differently.
now, here i am, 11+ years later, with 5 kids, a great husband, and a life i never would have thought possible. i went to college before and after alex was born, but it only lasted a semester. i wanted to focus on being a mom. my hubby asked me to marry him on my 18th birthday (30 days before the baby was born) and we were married the following may. life fell into place. i can honestly say, i haven't wanted to do any drugs since i gave them up. when i became a mom, all that was in my past. those wonderful friends fell away, but i still love each and every one of them for what they did for me. i don't think they even realized how much it meant to me.
and that is why i gave my blog this name...because "who'd of thought" my life would turn out like this!

an explanation or two

well, hello there! i have been away a while. well, i haven't actually...our laptop's hard-drive went out. so we decided to get a new computer. oh, the joy of trying to remember all my favorite websites!
how has our household adjusted to being a dog-less household? very well. sadly, very very well. especially the hubby. i don't think i have seen him this happy in a long time. well, perhaps not exactly happy but definitely much less stressed out. he even sold a bunch of cars. all happening after getting rid of the dogs. the kids are happier too. i never thought that would be. they seem to respond well to not being yelled at to take care of the dogs. amazing, huh? i thought there may have been a delayed reaction of sadness or anger about the dogs leaving, but no, just happiness...for all but me. i was really really bummed out. i was ticked off at everyones' lack of sadness. i was extremely crabby. (more than usual, anyway)
my tale of dog woes:
we decided when our first child was 18 mos, we wanted to get a puppy. not just any puppy, but a black great dane puppy. noble was that puppy. he was great. he listened pretty good. he stayed by my side, he didn't jump, and he was protective of our family (ok, maybe just of me and the kids.). he was beautiful. unfortunately, we made the mistake of getting him before we were living in a house...we were living in a 2 bedroom condo. then we made the mistake of taking him to my sister in law's house until we were able to build our house. she allowed him to run. she allowed him and his brother (her dog) to run whenever they wanted, and where ever they wanted. right before we broke ground on our house, we found both dogs dead of an apparent poisoning. i was totally devastated. it broke my heart that he was gone.
my sister in law felt badly about what happened. she decided to get me another black great dane puppy as a surprise. thus, junior entered our lives. he was a nice enough dog. he loved me. he was ok with my kids. but he had to be penned up most of the time because he didn't want to stay in the invisible fence. he would just run right thru it. he then started to become really really protective and had a thing about pre-adolescent boys. (basically boys between the ages of 9 and 15) i don't know why, but he hated them. i couldn't trust him around them. he chased down the neighbor boy and knocked him to the ground, he growled and tried to chase my cousin, and then...the last straw...he bit the neighbor boy. i don't know if he meant to or not. i think he was just trying to grab the towel around the kid's arm...but that was it. i couldn't have a dog that i couldn't trust around kids. we decided junior couldn't live with us anymore.
after dealing with all this, i had decided that was it. no more dogs. i couldn't deal with it anymore. i hated losing them. it hurt too much. i couldn't spend the time with them that was needed to make them good dogs. i was too busy with teaching my own babies, and of course having more babies. what happens next? well the same sister in law decided that our oldest needed a dog, that he was responsible enough for a dog. now enters sami. we tried to make it work, but my kids are just not really into dogs. they want to play sports, hang out with their friends, and go places. they didn't have time in their busy lives for a dog. poor sami had to deal with it for 3 years. she is a great dog. she was a great mom. she deserves a family that wants her and loves her. i believe god has a plan for her. otherwise, why would she have a new home so quickly?


i don't want any more dogs.


atleast not until my kids are out of my house...then maybe i'll be ready.

am i jumping the gun?

i found out over the weekend that dan's diagnosis has changed. it isn't als, it is parkinsons. i guess after telling his family, he started to go to wash u for treatment, and they determined that it is parkinsons. now, parkinsons isn't great, but it's a hell of a lot better than als. i don't know how many more opinions they are going to get, but i think i would get at least 2 more. how crazy is that? after holding it in for months, and finally telling people, you find out that you have something else. but thank god it is!

that's all i have time to post about right now. i'll try to put some more on later.

the 4th

ok, this is a first for me. 2 posts in one day? i decided to ignore the kiddos for a while so i could write this.

only 2 days until the 4th. we are having a big display at the house. jeff loves fireworks. i got a strange email yesterday. well, not just me, most of the family got it. it seems jeff's oldest brother is having some marital problems. not a real shocker here. and because jeff's brother hasn't told anyone, and his wife doesn't want to be the one to tell, no one is definite what is going on. she only asked that no one mention anything to their kids. they have 2 kids. tricia is 20, goes to slu, and is actually zack's godmother. jacob is going to be eighteen soon, and a senior in high school. the kids are coming in for the forth. jeff's brother and sister in law are not coming. atleast, as far as we know, jeff's brother is not going to come. i don't think anyone has talked to him in a few months. he has many issues, none of which he acknowledges. it is really sad. any way, you maybe asking yourselves why i am bringing this up. well, it was this time 16 years ago that my mom took us kids and left my dad. so this is stirring up some not so pleasant memories. i don't think it matters how old you are, this hurts bad. i remember my dad taking us on a float trip shortly after with our normal group of friends, it wasn't fun anymore. i remember feeling like everyone was watching me, and feeling sorry for me. not a great feeling. so i can definitely relate to what they are feeling right now. i love these kids. i know this will change them. i wish i could tell them the things i learned from all that i went thru. like
1. don't put much stock in the bad things your parents say about each other...they are angry at each other.
2. don't put much stock in the bad things your parents say about the other's family...for the same reason
3. don't keep these feelings bottled up, they will come out eventually. and believe me, these feelings don't go away. they will eat at you.
4. i understand that getting drunk or stoned may seem like a great release, or numb the feelings, but it is still a bad idea. doing these things just postpone your feelings. you will have to deal with them eventually. and doing these things change who you are.
5. i went thru a phase where i wanted to be "independent". well, seeing as i had no idea what the concept was, and didn't get a great definition from my mom, i saw it as men and marriage are bad. i was waaaaay off.
6.just because your parents weren't a perfect example of what marriage should be, doesn't mean it can't be an example. remember the good times, and the bad.
7. don't hide from your family, remember that they love you no matter what. in fact, they will be there for you after everyone else has come and gone.

it took me a long time to learn some of these. some i am still working on. i can say, with some degree of certainty, i would not have been in as much trouble had my parents stayed married, or atleast had they worked together as parents after the divorce. they (mainly my mom) put their feelings about each other over their duty as parents.
anyway, i hope my niece and nephew are ok. their parents too.

regrets...i've had a few

this is something that happened way back in those high school days. it has been on my mind ever since. not constantly, but more and more as my kids get older.

sara and i hung out with some boys who were about a year younger than us. not an attraction thing, but they were fun and one boy had a mom who would let us spend the night, and even call our parents for us. she was "cool" like that. she wasn't a pretty woman, not by any stretch of the imagination (think of the crooks' mom on the goonies movie). one day sara and i showed up at her trailer. (she had like 5 or 6 kids and lived in a 2 bedroom trailer) sara walks to the bedroom and knocks, goes in for a minute, then says to me "it's ok, come on back". me, i'm not thinking anything funny or weird, i walk back there and she is laying on her bed with one of her son's friends. (let me say this, he was about 16 at the time) i am so naive, i didn't think anything about it. it's a little strange, considering her son isn't even home, but they weren't below the covers and their clothes were on. we talk about whatever, i don't even remember what, and then we leave. after we left, i found out that this woman and the son's friend were "together". and not only that, but her baby, her 6 mos old baby, is HIS. now do the math my friends. 16 year old kid-6 mos old baby-9 mos for pregnancy= really disgusting and illegal. and the guy wasn't bad looking. not great looking, but not "hooking up with 40 year old goonies mom" ugly! anyway, you may be saying to yourself, what (besides the obvious nasty ol' lady and teen boy) is bothering me. well i will tell you. it is the fact i did nothing to stop this. NOT A FRIGGIN' THING! i should have told someone, called dfs, something. this was not only immoral and gross, but illegal and i didn't do a single thing to stop it. this guy was like 14/15 when this all started, and was stuck with this woman because of his son, that he couldn't even claim as his son because she was afraid they would take away her other kids. i felt really sorry for her son, he was a really nice guy, in show choir, and football. nice kid. i felt sorry for her other kids, i mean really, what kind of example is this?

anyway, i have felt soooo guilty about this. i know i was only like 16 or 17 when all this happened, but i was old enough to know this was wrong. i guess it scares me more and more because my kids are getting older and i am scared about the kind of people they will meet. i don't want them to be exposed to people like this, or even worse, get mixed up with them. i guess i hope they will be more convicted in their beliefs in what is right and what is wrong. i don't want them to witness something like that, but if they do, i pray they know the right thing to do and do it.