i spent this weekend with my mom. we have not always seen eye to eye. to say we have "issues" is putting it mildly.
my mom loves me. it may not always be apparent in the choices she's made or her actions, but she truly loves her kids. she has done her best to be a good mom.
we talked quite a bit over dinner saturday night. we talked about when she was diagnosed with cervical cancer (she never had HPV for those who think the vaccine is a cure-all) and when she had her surgery. we didn't get to see her for weeks. that was her choice. she had left my dad about 6 months previous, and we were stuck at my aunt's house, going to a school where we knew no one, and our mom was totally out of commission living at our grandparents' house because she wasn't able to take care of us. i guess is still held a little resentment about this.
and then it happened.
she told me about how hard it had been to not see us. how scared she had been because she hadn't been told about how hard this surgery would be on her physically. i don't think she thought she'd be walking out of the hospital the next day, but to be almost completely unable to walk on her own for weeks...well, that she wasn't prepared for. how, it took all her strength to put on make up for the one and only visit we were able to have with her in the hospital. she waited until she was off of most of the machines (or they were well hidden) so not to scare us more than we already were. (i tend to pass out with that kind of stuff...something i got from my dad.)
i started to see things a little differently. God opened my eyes. i know that as a mother, i make mistakes every day. every single day, i pray that i have done right by my kids. that i haven't done anything that will damage them as a person, or that they will hold against me in their hearts.
i realized that is exactly what i have been doing to my own mom. she has made plenty of mistakes. some she takes responsibility for, some she doesn't. that doesn't matter. i know, mother to mother, that she did the best that she could. she tried. she succeeded for the most part. she didn't raise perfect children, but she did the best she was able to. that has to count for something.
i forgave my mom. in my heart, i know she meant me no harm. she did what she thought was best. that's what really matters. i love her.
thank God my hubby talked me into going with her, and having an open mind and heart.