today, i turn thirty. i don't feel any different. i don't know why i thought i would. i don't feel old. i feel a little moody, but rainy days always make me feel like that...especially when i have a house full of energetic kiddos. i don't feel old. i don't feel crazy either. (well, maybe that comes with a little more time?)
don't get me wrong. i am actually getting used to the idea. thirty. i feel like a grown up. i feel lucky. yes, i feel lucky. last week, i remembered why birthdays are special. no real reason. i just had an epiphany. there are plenty of people that would love to turn thirty. that would love the opportunity to watch their children grow a little older, their own hair turn gray (mine hasn't yet). here i am, complaining about getting another year to, well, to be here, on this earth, with my most cherished family. how dare i. seriously, how self centered am i? to complain about getting another year. forgive me, bloggy-friends.
so i am looking at things differently today. starting today, this rainy day is beautiful. i can actually see the grass getting greener and my veggies growing.
starting today, i am so very thankful for all the energetic kiddos running around me. they aren't sick, they aren't horrible rotten kids. they are some of the greatest kids i've ever met. that's not just my kids, that's all the kids in my care. they are some of the greatest kids, most polite, helpful children. their parents are some of the nicest people you'd ever meet. i am lucky to know these people, and for them to allow me to care for their kids...well it means a lot to me.
in all honesty, the crazy part has worried me more than the aging part of turning 30. i know, many of you are probably thinking "what on earth is she talking about?". well, when my mom was in her early thirties (31) she left my dad. i have known several other women that left their husbands when they hit their thirties. i know, that may not have been a major contributing factor...but in my family, it seems like that's when the mind starts to "break" some. my mom and both her sisters are bipolar. they all really started to lose it in their thirties. they start to "remember" things that never happened. they start to "see" things. they become really hard to be around. they lose interest in their kids. they lose interest in being a mom.
i am so scared it will happen to me. i am even more scared that i could pass it on to my kids. i know, medication helps. i know, i have a husband that has promised to watch out for me. i don't want it to come to that. i want to really enjoy my family. i want to keep loving being around them. i
i am talking too much about stuff that hasn't happened. i am thinking about the negative.
so i'm going to stop.
i am going to enjoy going out with my hubby tonight. i am going to enjoy my kids singing happy birthday.